I Thought My Ex Was Gone but Now She Loves Me Again
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Cocky Counseling and Coaching. She's the author of "Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love," and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.
HOW TO STOP OBSESSING ABOUT YOUR EX'South NEW Relationship: Until at present you've been handling your divorce or break-up procedure well. You've gone through the confusion of whether to stay or go, and all the malaise and hard decisions that come with leaving. But you've been coping.
And so yous found out that your Ex is sleeping with someone new.
Now, waves of rage, hurting, self-doubt, and resentment are crashing over you. "Coping" has been overwhelmed by a storm of emotion. It feels like your blood has been replaced with Arctic seawater: Frozen and stinging at the same time.
What's worse? It. Is. All. Yous. Can. Think. Well-nigh.
"Are they on the motorcycle correct at present? He's probably taking her to that restaurant I always wanted to go to that he said was too expensive. Are they holding easily right now? I bet they're kissing. Maybe they are having sex activity correct this very 2nd. They probably skipped the motorcycle ride and decided to spend the day in bed. We used to do that…"
In your mind's middle you play out scenes from your life together. Except your role is beingness played by someone who might exist sexier, more fun or more interesting. Yous see your Ex — the happy, sweet, fun one y'all first roughshod in dearest with — sharing the best parts of themselves (and hiding the rest).
Information technology's worse at night, when there are no distractions. The joy and passion you envision for them is fabricated all the more than cruel by the stark contrast to your ain silent bed. You lay sleepless, writhing in agony at the injustice. Y'all want to stop thinking most it but you can't. You feel trapped… in your ain caput.
Believe it or not, the part of your brain that sees things in your heed'due south eye cannot differentiate between something that you're thinking about and something that is actually happening. So when you lot're imagining your Ex and their new sex partner making out on the couch, you react to it emotionally (and physically) similar you lot were seeing it happen correct in front of you: Your heart starts racing, you lot feel nauseous, and you are filled with pain and rage.
Being victimized by these intrusive images is incredibly traumatizing. Ruminating does not bring whatever value to your healing procedure. Instead, it keeps yous from moving forward. Trust me on this one: I've been working as a breakup recovery coach for a long fourth dimension, and even wrote a book all about the recovery process — Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to An Ex Dearest, if y'all're interested in learning more than.
I know from walking with countless broken hearted people who are suffering the same mode that you are, that time solitary does NOT heal this. (Nor does forcing yourself to date once again, or getting into therapy to "heal your self esteem" or any of those things. If you don't take deliberate action to take control over what's going on in your head and in your heart, y'all can stay stuck in this place for a really long time.
In guild to rescue yourself from the impotent madness of this obsession, in addition to moving through some very specific stages of healing, yous must larn and practice three new cognitive skills very deliberately, every twenty-four hour period, until you're in the articulate: Self-Awareness, Mindfulness, and Shifting.
1. Self Awareness
Cocky Awareness is the ability to recollect almost what yous're thinking most, and the fact that you lot are having an internal experience—not an actual feel. It sounds simple, only information technology'due south very easy to get swept away in our thoughts without even noticing what's happening.
The practice:
As soon equally you become aware that you are thinking nearly your Ex, say, (out loud, if necessary) "I am thinking almost something that is non happening right now."
ii. Mindfulness
Recognize that your brilliant thoughts are activating all these scary, painful feelings, only in reality nothing bad is actually happening to you right now. You are sitting at a tabular array, eating a bowl of cereal. You are animate. Anchoring yourself to the reality of the nowadays moment by using your senses creates a protective barrier between you and intrusive thoughts.
The exercise:
Await: Notice what your phone / tablet / laptop looks like right at present. Notice the colors, shapes, things you can come across in the room around you.
Hear: What are you lot aware of hearing, right now? Yammering in a coffee shop. Music through your headphones. The hum of the refrigerator in the kitchen.
Experience: The chair under your butt. Your feet on the floor. The jiff in your nostrils. The agonized feeling of heartbreak in your core. Emotions are really only physical sensations. That'due south why they are chosen feelings. Notice how your body feels, in the present moment, without judgment.
3. Thought Shifting
You've broken the obsession, and are in the safe infinite of reality. The third step to stop intrusive thoughts most your Ex is to intentionally shift your attention to something positive or pleasurable.
For example, you tin can shift to thinking about going to lunch with a friend this afternoon, or weekend plans. If shifting mentally is too hard you can likewise shift your attention to something that is happening in the present moment: Watching a movie, listening to music, or petting your domestic dog.
Shifting is important because the thoughts we habitually think almost go stronger. When you do shifting, the intrusive thoughts nearly your Ex volition go weaker.
4. Putting It All Together
Yous get stabbed in the brain with the prototype of your Ex having hot sex with the new person.
- Become enlightened that yous are having a thought about something that isn't happening right now.
- Shift your attention to physical reality: The color of the tabular array, the taste of your tea, your heart pounding in your chest.
- Then, very deliberately, call back about going skiing with your friend this weekend.
- Repeat as needed. (And plan on doing this many times a twenty-four hour period, at first.)
Shifting your awareness or distracting yourself does not mean that you are avoiding or stuffing your feelings. "Obsessing" is not the same thing equally "Processing." Information technology'due south mentally picking at a scab that you are not allowing to heal. You have to get unstuck from the obsession phase in order for good for you new growth to occur.
v. Go Real Help
I will too add that, in my feel in working with people going through this (and in my own personal horrible breakup experience) these steps and strategies are piece of cake to talk about, and much harder to exercise. Many, if not about people going through what yous're going through need support to move frontward and get unstuck from this incredibly painful infinite.
Pro tip: Almost therapists have non been introduced to the research around the biologically based reasons nosotros get profoundly stuck on Exes and have a actually hard fourth dimension moving on. As such, many standard-issue therapists will endeavor to "assistance" by getting you to talk almost your family of origin, or challenging life experiences, your unusually depression cocky esteem, etcetera.
These therapists are and so well meaning, merely really practice non understand that their endeavour to connect your "stuckness" to some unresolved emotional pain or psychological disorder is not merely misguided and unhelpful: Information technology makes it worse instead of better. (When you're already feeling low, the last affair you demand is a therapist making you feel like this is happening because you lot're inherently disordered or broken in some way.)
This is NOT why you're feeling the way y'all are. You're feeling this fashion because you are a human being who, only like the rest of us, is built to bond. These bonds are fierce and enduring, and are non affected past logic or reason. Do brainstorm releasing your attachment you need to exist addressing it from an evidence-based, biologically -informed attachment perspective.
This approach is a "whole enchilada." The cerebral skills I shared with you lot are just one role of a much larger set of skills and experiences that the healing process requires. It'southward the system of healing I made bachelor for yous in my online Heal Your Broken Center breakup recovery program, and the type of breakup recovery coaching that we practice here at Growing Self. If you are interested in doing meaningful breakdown recovery counseling with me or one of the coaches on our squad, I invite you to schedule a free consultation telephone call to discuss your goals and how we can help yous more forward.
That said, these techniques are powerful tools and I hope that they are helpful to you. I'd similar to hear your thoughts near them. If you have other practices that you've used successfully, please share your strategies in the comments so that others who may exist hurting can benefit from your wisdom.
— Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Source: https://www.growingself.com/free-advice-articles-podcasthow-to-stop-obsessing-about-your-ex-moving-on/
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